


if this is how real feels

by diphylleias



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: F/F, Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Touching, dahyun struggling to Figure Things Out, idol hardships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-11 13:55:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11149812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diphylleias/pseuds/diphylleias
Summary: “Would you really date me if you were a guy?” Sana’s eyes are wide and she looks unbelievably small and vulnerable, tucked under a layer of blankets. Dahyun thinks about her response to the question earlier, when the host had asked curiously and Dahyun had simply replied, hardly giving it a second thought.“Yeah?” It comes out like a question. Dahyun clears her throat. “Yeah. I would.” Sana blinks owlishly at her and Dahyun’s heart starts to stutter. “I mean, you’re so cute, who wouldn’t?” She tries to joke, grinning at the other girl. Sana doesn’t smile.“What if you weren’t a guy?” Sana asks, and she’s not looking at Dahyun now. “What if you were just you?”





	if this is how real feels

Sana’s hands find their way onto Dahyun’s in the darkness of van and Dahyun jolts so hard out of surprise she almost hits her head against the window.

“Sorry,” Sana whispers, an uncharacteristic panic seeping into her voice. “I’m sorry.” The warmth resting on Dahyun’s hands draws away suddenly, and Dahyun finds her chest tight.

“No, it’s—it’s fine, I just—what?” Words tumble out of Dahyun’s mouth in a confused, quiet jumble and her voice barely sounds like her anymore, scratchy from overuse and just _tired_. She blinks a few times, angling herself slightly to see Sana better, though the darkness of the night doesn’t help. The streetlights shine on Sana’s small, apologetic smile.

“Sorry, you looked worried,” is all she says, her hands now folded in her lap. The position is so muted, so timid and unlike Sana. Dahyun looks up, seeing furrowed brows and shining eyes. She swallows.

“It’s okay,” She breathes out finally, looking away from Sana. “Was just thinking about life.” The van jerks softly over a bump and someone—Chaeyoung?—lets out a small snore in front of her. “Thinking about our lives. As idols.”

Sana hums lightly, quietly, and Dahyun hears the words she doesn’t say. _I know_.

It’s silent after that, and Dahyun doesn’t know how to ask for Sana’s hands again, doesn’t know why she wants the other girl’s warmth on hers, doesn’t know why she’s so cold suddenly, so she wraps the blanket around herself tighter, and closes her eyes.

“You can sleep on my shoulder,” Sana murmurs. A strange sense of relief floods Dahyun’s veins, and without opening her eyes, she tilts her head to rest on the girl next to her, whispering a small thanks.  

Sana strokes her hair gently, humming a nameless lullaby, and Dahyun drifts in and out of consciousness for a while before sleep finally takes her.

 

 

+

 

 

Sana’s face is so, _so_ , close and Dahyun doesn’t really know where to look, so she screws her eyes shut, heart pounding against her chest, and leans away. Soft lips press against her cheek, and hundreds of cameras go off.  Sana’s gleeful giggle signals that it’s safe to open her eyes now.

Dahyun blinks, eyes wide, and quickly pulls a face, remembering they’re at a fansign. Sana’s arms are still around her, and she just laughs, short and sweet, patting Dahyun fondly before shuffling off to find another member. Dahyun resists the urge to touch her cheek, resists the urge to stare at Sana, and instead sits back down and waves at the little girl walking up to her.

She’s signing the girl’s album when a high-pitched squeal comes from her left, and Dahyun almost drops her sharpie in surprise. Jihyo laughs from beside her, and they watch as Momo tries to wrestle Sana off of her. Sana’s trying to kiss her, that much is obvious, and everyone is amused as Momo finally pushes Sana away. Sana pouts, lips pursing and cheeks puffing up.

Dahyun barely has time to think before Momo is attaching herself to Dahyun’s side, looking traumatized and urging her to move. Unthinkingly, Dahyun slides her arm around Momo’s waist and together they creep away from Sana. Dahyun can hear Momo’s heart beating steadily, and the faint smell of strawberries—Momo’s perfume, she assumes—fills her nose.

Sana looks at them unhappily from the other side of the room. Dahyun sends a small, apologetic smile.

 

 

“Does it bother you?” Dahyun jumps and takes her hand off her cheek. Sana is staring at her.

“What?” Dahyun asks in response, confused. Sana looks at Dahyun’s hand, now resting on the bed.

“Do the kisses and stuff—do they bother you?” _Oh._ Dahyun scratches at her hand, avoiding eye contact. She must have been touching her cheek absentmindedly.

“No, not really,” She says slowly, raising her eyes to look at Sana. The girl is gnawing gently on her bottom lip, wringing her wrists. “I don’t mind.”

“Are you sure?” Sana says softly. Her eyes are bright. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or anything, I just—you know I’m a touchy feely person, it kind of comes naturally.” Dahyun swallows, feelings she can’t name lodged in her chest. Sana fidgets, and opens her mouth like she’s going to say more, but Dahyun cuts her off.

“It’s fine, I—I promise. You’re not making me uncomfortable.” Sana leans forward and Dahyun’s mind is running all over the place, eyes flickering from Sana to the wall to her hands to—

Sana kisses her on the cheek again.

“Okay,” Sana says, grinning toothily, like everything is fine now. Like she knows something Dahyun doesn’t. She pats Dahyun on the knee and bounces up, already walking out of the room.

“Okay,” Dahyun echoes quietly to herself. _Okay_.

 

 

+

 

 

Mina is crying.

It’s sudden, it’s unexpected, and Dahyun stands frozen, grocery bags hanging limply from her arms.

There’s a scurry, and then Jihyo and Sana are by her side, Jihyo murmuring something unintelligible and Sana’s hand running up and down her back. Mina crouches down, slim shoulders trembling. Dahyun shakes herself out of it and jogs up by the trio, trying to see Mina’s face. Her heart twists into so many knots just watching the tears stream down the older girl’s face.

“—okay, it’s okay. We’re here for you,” Sana is saying softly, chanting almost. Like a mantra. Her hand doesn’t leave Mina’s back, even as they rise up off the floor and direct the girl towards her room. Jihyo turns her head to look at Dahyun, eyes darting to the bags she’s still holding.

“It’s okay, we got this,” she whispers quietly, smiling wryly, and Dahyun is stunned by how _exhausted_ she looks. The usual shine in her eyes is gone, and it’s as if she’s just barely holding herself together. She looks behind Dahyun, to the kitchen. “You can start unpacking the groceries.” And with that, they’re gone. The words she didn’t know she wanted to say are still stuck in her throat and she swallows them down uncomfortably, heading towards the kitchen.

 

 

It’s almost an hour later when Sana finds her still carefully putting away the last of the items they had grabbed haphazardly from the convenience store. Dahyun’s setting the strawberries in the fridge when the hand on her shoulder makes her jump.

“Hi. Sorry,” Sana says faintly, and she seems ready to collapse. Dahyun’s heart twists painfully for the second time that day and she shakes her head, dismissing Sana’s apology.

 _I’m not good at comforting_ , Dahyun wants to say. Part of her wants to somehow defend her freezing up, desperately wants to prove herself. _I’m only good at smiling and being cheerful and I really don’t know how to deal with emotions and—_

“I’m not good at comforting,” Sana breathes out, hands sliding up to cover her face. Dahyun almost snorts out of sheer incredulity.

“Sana, that’s not—”

“How am I supposed to tell Mina that everything’s okay?” Sana bursts out, throwing her hands up in the air. Her words cut through the thin silence of the room and Dahyun winces. There’s a kind of helplessness that Sana wears on her sleeve that makes her seem miles, years, dimensions away. “How can I tell her that, Dahyun, when I don’t even know myself? When we put our hearts and our energy and our time into everything we do, but all of our success rides on the public opinion of a single song? When sometimes you can’t tell whether or not it was really worth it to leave your country and learn a completely new language?”

Dahyun bites her lip.  Sana glances at her, and then seems to deflate all at once.

“Sorry, sorry. I’m—I’m just—sorry.” Sana hugs her knees into her chest, her voice small. “I hate seeing people sad, but I—I don’t know how to make it better. Mina said she misses her parents, and I know that’s part of it but, but it’s probably also just life getting to her, you know? I hate it. I hate seeing people cry. I just want them—I just want us to be happy.”

It’s dead silent for a few beats, Dahyun trying to gingerly piece together the words she wants to say, before Sana breathes in shakily, looking down into her lap. Dahyun considers, hesitates, then curses the hesitation.

She pulls Sana in for a hug.

Sana makes a soft noise out of surprise, but wraps her arms tightly around Dahyun, pulling her in close. They stay like that for a while, Dahyun breathing in the comforting scent of Sana’s hair and listening to Sana’s breath even out. Dahyun can’t really tell whose heart is beating faster, hers or Sana’s.

“I’m not good at comforting,” Dahyun says, voice scratchy as they pull apart. Sana’s lips part but Dahyun shakes her head, continuing on. “I won’t say it’s okay, but we’re all here for each other, right?” Sana smiles, and though it looks fragile, Dahyun doesn’t doubt her strength for a second.

“Thank you, Dahyun,” Sana says finally, eyes shining. Her hand finds Dahyun’s and she squeezes.

 

 

+

 

 

The first time it happens, it’s pure coincidence, and Dahyun guesses it was bound to happen anyways.

She and Sana make eye contact through the mirror of the practice room, and Sana smiles at her. Dahyun grins back.

Then, it escalates.

Dahyun literally _searches_ for Sana’s eyes in the big mirror, finding them and sending a wink. Sana sticks out her tongue in response. In the second chorus Sana finds her first and winks. Dahyun grimaces. At the end of the song, Sana isn’t looking at her, but Dahyun gets caught up in the way Sana bites her lips during a harder move and the spin of her long hair as she twists.

They all breathe out a sigh of relief when the song finally ends. The red numbers on the clock read out a bright 12:46 am. There’s a call for a break, and a chorus of agreement sounds, the girls scattering everywhere across the room. Someone taps Dahyun on the shoulder.

“Can you go over the choreo for the bridge with me?” Chaeyoung asks, looking embarrassed. She’s sweating, and the sheen on her face seems to highlight the darkness under her eyes. “I still don’t think I have it down properly.” Dahyun feels her heart ache a little.

“Of course,” She says, trying for a warm smile despite the exhaustion. Chaeyoung beams. Dahyun counts aloud, doing the moves slowly, watching as Chaeyoung furrows her brows and follows along in concentration. Dahyun urges her to try it once on her own, and she turns around to grab a water bottle.

Sana’s watching them from the far wall of the room, where she’s resting next to Mina. As soon as Dahyun’s eyes land on her, she waves cheerfully. Dahyun returns a smile, her mood lifted as she takes gulps of her water.

“You and Sana sure do flirt a lot, don’t you?” Chaeyoung teases. Dahyun almost chokes on her water.

“What?”

“You. And Sana.” Chaeyoung’s smile is wider now, looking like she knows something Dahyun doesn’t. “You two always make faces at each other in the mirror, don’t think we haven’t noticed.” Dahyun stares at the younger girl dumbly, feeling her palms getting sweaty. The water bottle almost slips out of her grasp.

“It’s not flirting,” Dahyun finally manages to push out. Chaeyoung purses her lips.

“Mmkay,” Chaeyoung hums lightly, heading towards a different corner of the studio. Dahyun turns back around to find Sana’s eyes still on her. Sana grins and waves her over.

 

 

Somehow they manage to take their game, of sorts, out of the practice room and on stage. While they’re changing formation, Sana catches Dahyun’s eye and she winks. Dahyun barely has time to process the movement, her muscle memory solely focused on getting her to the right position. The next time they pass each other, Dahyun winks as fast as she can before taking her eyes off the other girl. She thinks she hears a huff in response.

At one point, Sana actually _pokes_ Dahyun, and Dahyun is so surprised she almost stumbles, but she manages to catch herself in time. But Sana’s back is to her now, and Dahyun can do little but smile, the music and adrenaline filling her veins.

Sana pounces on her after they get off stage, poking and jabbing at her. Dahyun just laughs, and her heart feels so free. Her hands grab at Sana’s, halfheartedly trying to stop her, feeling inexplicably warm all over.

Dahyun falls asleep that night replaying the sound of Sana’s laughter in her ear.

 

 

+

 

 

“Would you really?” Sana asks quietly, her toes nudging at Dahyun’s under the covers. Dahyun nudges back, rolling over to face Sana.

“Would I really what?”

“Would you really date me if you were a guy?” Sana’s eyes are wide and she looks unbelievably small and vulnerable, tucked under a layer of blankets. Dahyun thinks about her response to the question earlier, when the host had asked curiously and Dahyun had simply replied, hardly giving it a second thought.

“Yeah?” It comes out like a question. Dahyun clears her throat. “Yeah. I would.” Sana blinks owlishly at her and Dahyun’s heart starts to stutter. “I mean, you’re so cute, who wouldn’t?” She tries to joke, grinning at the other girl. Sana doesn’t smile.

“What if you weren’t a guy?” Sana asks, and she’s not looking at Dahyun now. “What if you were just you?”

“What?” Dahyun’s mind feels like it’s been wiped clean, white static filling every corner.

Suddenly Dahyun is being pulled in, the blankets bunching, and Sana is pressing her lips against hers, and everything is so soft and warm and—

Dahyun kisses back. Her heart is practically bursting out of her chest as Sana finally pulls away, lips shining.

“Uh,” Sana breathes out, voice shaky.

“Um” Dahyun forces out. She can hear pounding in her ears. Sana laughs, light and airy, burying her head in her hands.

“I like you, Dahyun, I really do. I don’t know if—if I’ve been reading the signs right but you don’t—you’re more comfortable when I touch you now, and I really hope that means something, because—”

“I like you,” Dahyun blurts out, and _oh_ , everything makes sense now, and her chest feels thousands of times lighter. Sana smiles at her, eyes bright and hands creeping under the covers to find Dahyun’s. Everything is so _comfortable_ , and warm, and Dahyun thinks there could be nothing better than this, so very real and right here.

 

 

+

 

 

They file into the van after a late night radio, and Sana is almost out like a light, falling against Dahyun’s shoulder, eyes fluttering shut. Dahyun takes Sana’s hand and carefully, slowly, weaves their fingers together. Sana shoots her a sleepy smile and squeezes her hand.

It will take time, Dahyun knows, for her to get used to _this_ , to being able to reach for Sana whenever and wherever, but—as she looks at Sana’s sleeping figure beside her, it's more than definitely worth it. 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> saida just makes me so emo and soft i'm sorry guys i love them so much. as always feedback is appreciated!!
> 
> title taken from [here](https://open.spotify.com/track/0V8jmhCbvFyyoeralMQGyq) ♡


End file.
